Soggy cereal bus

I can't figure you out, cereal. You're delicious and wholesome, yet you get soggy way too quickly. You don't let me savor the flavor. I have to wolf down my breakfast, otherwise it'd be like eating rain-soaked newspaper on the sidewalk. I don't get it, cereal. Do you want me to enjoy my meal or not? Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

I don't want to be rushed. It's morning. This speed-eating you force me into is simply bullshit. It's like some twisted race against nature, and I just don't want to be part of the great cycle of life. But you know what, cereal bitch? I am winning anyway. That's right. Every bite, still crunchy and cris- Holy shit! You sneaky bran weasel! You're trying to distract me with my own hate, and getting soggy while I'm typing. Very clever. Well fuck you. There! Screw the spoon, I just turned the whole goddamn bowl up and drank it down! I have beaten you, do you hear?! I have defied Newton's laws and I have beaten you. Go fuck yourself, bus.

You know, I'm still not sure that I got through to you. I am not fucking around here, cereal. Listen, this soggy business is serious, and don't think I won't find a breakfast mistress if you can't meet my needs. There are lots of tantalizing options out there, and they are all single and looking. If you believe your raisins are enough to keep me at home, you are sadly mistaken. What do you have to say about cranberries and honey clusters? Or maybe strawberries and cream, hm? I have two words for you, cereal: colored marshmallows. Do you understand what I'm saying, you nasty shitcock?! How 'bout three more words?: magically fucking delicious!

Hmm... I do still have the craving though. Goddamnit, I still didn't get to enjoy my food! Fine, I'll just go get another bowl of something, and it won't be you, you goddamned raisin ice queen. Maybe these pebble things. Ooh, chocolate or fruity flavors! They look tast- JESUS CHRIST BANANAS!!! I merely thought about getting milk and the pebbles turned soggy!! Fuck me in the goat ass! Well what the fuck am I sup-

So... uh, raisins, huh? I like raisins. You know, if you aren't doing anything tomorrow morning, maybe we could talk over breakfast. What do you say, my love?