Hellahecka bus

Let's you and I have a chat... about language. Let us start with a question: What is wrong with you? With us? Can we not just use the languages we already have without making up new shit to learn?

Of course, refinement will and should occur. I'm all for the advancement of language as a whole. The following words, however, cannot be considered as betterment, and therefore will be treated with utmost contempt, as will the orator. In proper terms, if you use these words, and you are not making a joke out of them, you are a fucking moron, and I wish you death. No, no, better. I wish I could kill you. Now pay attention, you simple Cro-Magnon son of a bitch.

"Supposebly." As we peruse the dictionary, we find that... well, actually we can not find this word. Why, neanderthal? Because this is not a word. Let us instead try "supposedly." Now there is a fine word. And here it is in the dictionary. Note the "D". Now fucking say it, you wide-eyed protohuman! With a "D"!

"Aks". This is simply not a word. There is an entry for "ax", but this is a cutting tool, not something relating to questions. You do not "aks" a question. You "ask" it. "S" before "K". Now you try, you backwoods bumfuck caveman.

"Rediculous." You goddamn hoary taint! If you type that shit ever again, I will kill you. With an ax. In your stupid fucking face. On the goat ass. I know it doesn't make sense! Fuck y- YOU'RE DEAD!! DEAD!!

[the author takes a few moments to compose]

Shall we continue, gentle reader? Yes, let's.

"Irregardless." Guess what? NOT A FUCKING WORD!!! You're actually making more work for yourself with that attempt at speech. Instead of trying to speak, shitass, please just carve out your mouth and never attempt to spew forth sound from it again.

What in the name of... what in the fuck is "hella"? Friend troglodyte, did you know that we already have, in the English language, a word that means "very"? IT'S FUCKING "VERY"!!! It's actually shorter than "hella"! And you try to pass it off to small children disguised as "hecka"? Is that supposed to be cute? Fuck you in your goat ass, and fuck your shitarded adjective!

Perhaps this lesson has been harsh. Perhaps it seems snooty. To that I say fuck you, bus. I will end you. If you want to speak, try an actual spoken language. Without language we're no better than mimes.

Soggy cereal bus

I can't figure you out, cereal. You're delicious and wholesome, yet you get soggy way too quickly. You don't let me savor the flavor. I have to wolf down my breakfast, otherwise it'd be like eating rain-soaked newspaper on the sidewalk. I don't get it, cereal. Do you want me to enjoy my meal or not? Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

I don't want to be rushed. It's morning. This speed-eating you force me into is simply bullshit. It's like some twisted race against nature, and I just don't want to be part of the great cycle of life. But you know what, cereal bitch? I am winning anyway. That's right. Every bite, still crunchy and cris- Holy shit! You sneaky bran weasel! You're trying to distract me with my own hate, and getting soggy while I'm typing. Very clever. Well fuck you. There! Screw the spoon, I just turned the whole goddamn bowl up and drank it down! I have beaten you, do you hear?! I have defied Newton's laws and I have beaten you. Go fuck yourself, bus.

You know, I'm still not sure that I got through to you. I am not fucking around here, cereal. Listen, this soggy business is serious, and don't think I won't find a breakfast mistress if you can't meet my needs. There are lots of tantalizing options out there, and they are all single and looking. If you believe your raisins are enough to keep me at home, you are sadly mistaken. What do you have to say about cranberries and honey clusters? Or maybe strawberries and cream, hm? I have two words for you, cereal: colored marshmallows. Do you understand what I'm saying, you nasty shitcock?! How 'bout three more words?: magically fucking delicious!

Hmm... I do still have the craving though. Goddamnit, I still didn't get to enjoy my food! Fine, I'll just go get another bowl of something, and it won't be you, you goddamned raisin ice queen. Maybe these pebble things. Ooh, chocolate or fruity flavors! They look tast- JESUS CHRIST BANANAS!!! I merely thought about getting milk and the pebbles turned soggy!! Fuck me in the goat ass! Well what the fuck am I sup-

So... uh, raisins, huh? I like raisins. You know, if you aren't doing anything tomorrow morning, maybe we could talk over breakfast. What do you say, my love?